I started the day still sleepy. I'd been up until past three last night, somewhat in an altered state of mind. Very much so, actually. And because I couldn't resist waking up at 10:00 this morning, I was still sleepy. And my thoughts were dark. I was examining my life with a harsh gaze. I looked at the warehouse as an inevitable failure. I saw myself squandering my life. My peers were advancing in ilfe, getting nice white collar jobs. I, meanwhile, was doing nothing. Really, the same old dark thoughts as always.

Adam was here when I got out of bed, and he and Matt and I walked over to HEB. Adam asked if I could jump from one spherical fixture to the next, imagining that deadly watermelons were rolling towards me. I decided that I couldn't, because the leap was too far. We tested it, and surely enough we would die beneath the onslaught of melons.

I had a lot of errans to run today. Tomorrow I'm leaving for Mexico on a bike. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get my community service filed away, but I can do that tomorrow. I then went to the bank to deposit some money and then to the library to get some books for the road.

When I returned I took a long nap and then ate some lentils. I then returned to the site of my addiction and wasted three hours or so. I need to get over that. It's sort of automatic that I look for the quick pleasure.

This is all empty, though. The first entry I wrote in this vein of "journal" entries was honest. Or at the very least, I felt like I was putting something meaningful in words. It was capturing something essential about myself and my day. This, however, is just me drudging up details to fufill an obligation. I can do better than this.

While I was at the library selecting books, I decided to get a book on economics and a book on myth by Joseph Campbell. I found where The Power of Myth was kept, and when I got there, I saw other titles. Books that descussed oriental myth, occential myth, primative myth, modern myth. I had an urge to take them all. I so rarely get a genuine surge of greed, but this was one instance. I wanted them all because they excited me so greatly. I chose my two favorites, in the end, rather than just The Power of Myth.

I joined Matt and his sister at Rio Ritas today. We were all just reading our respective books, but every now and then one of us would look up and talk to the others. I found that she would often look me in the eye when I spoke to her, and I liked that a lot. It was almost like flirting, but clearly not. It was a charge of social energy. It was a jolt of pride and satisfaction, like running a 100 yard sprint and getting a good time.

My breaking point was when I sat down at the computer and couldn't immediately come up with something to do. I knew I was suppose to write an entry for yesterdays journal, but I didn't look forward to that obligation. So I wanted to find something to distract me for a while so I could . . . well, just avoid my responsibilities. Unfortunately, the first thing to come to mind was to check on Dwarf Fortress, which got me thinking about games. Which then led to me playing those terrible online games. Ehh. . . .

But it's those moments. When I get on a computer, I need to start working immediately. I cannot humor distractions in the beginning. Maybe. Or maybe I need them. Maybe it helps clear my mind so I can write clearly. I don't know. It's all really confusing for me still.

I'm also reading this book call Blood, Sweat, and Tears. I need to know more about the history of labor, and this seemed like a good choice. But as I read it, I keep questioning its legitamacy. Is this author just retelling the capitalist myth, or is he getting at something true? Maybe the truth can only be found by reading many books and seeing work in action. History is a fuzzy thing. History, maybe, should never be trusted. But still, I'm curious. This is just my first book on economics. As I read more, I'll begin to have enough scope of information to make reasonable judgements about what's real and what's a fabrication.